It’s been a few weeks of no posting content on YouTube and my attempts at spring cleaning and I am very proud to say that I have begun organizing this new website for launch and that I managed to not sleep over half the day like I have several times this week. I also managed to reorganize the furniture in my bedroom and so far a garbage bag full of plus sized ladies clothing will be going to donation.
I figured, since I’m on here and doing… stuff and things, that this is as good a time as any to dig into the interesting topic of creative blocks by sharing some of my own and realizations that I’ve gained investigating them. Hopefully, this post will inspire you to do a little critical thinking about blocks you may be experiencing whenever you come across this post.
I sit here at 6 PM drinking a Strawberry Citrus Sparkling Ice energy drink and as I have been poking around ideas for this website and the channel; I feel myself being called to do the obvious, create content, but not for YouTube. You see, there has always been a drive and curiosity about showing the world around me; just filming everyday stuff and using that to tell a story. Just so happens that there are these things called film festivals and If I wanted to start working on getting in on that action I totally could. Trouble is, out of the million and one stories that I want to tell, not one of them is coming to mind to start storyboarding ( as if I don’t got a whole apartment to gut *eyeroll*)
The amateur filmmaker in me squeals with excitement at the challenge of trying to come up with a cool story to tell and is equally repelled by seeming weight of planning and responsibility that it takes to do something like this even semi-well for a film festival. The guerilla style shooting is very popular but I like my content to look a certain way so the phone thing for a whole film doesn’t quite work for me. Many kudos to those who can, but; it’s not for me.
Either way, by the time this blog post sees the light of day the deadline for the film festival I was considering will have passed. I gotta admit though; knowing this annual film festival was coming up; I’m kind of kicking myself for not devoting an afternoon to just mind mapping ideas for this, but it brings me to a much more valid point about the work I do with Tarot on YouTube for the collective and some ethical, if not potentially existential issues with the part I play in the machine.
To put it ever so bluntly; I’m bored shitless. It’s not the narratives; collective energy is generally chaotic enough that the readings themselves stay pretty interesting, it’s the package that it’s delivered in. A very static video of shuffling and talking and sometimes like in that Cardinal signs video for Pisces season, even getting a little choked up. At the end of the day though; the format is pretty unchallenging, damn near everyone on YouTube does it, and I can’t do it anymore. So, I’ve been spending a lot of my energy just trying to re-imagine this aspect of my channel while pushing furniture around because I don’t feel inspired with the way it is. I can’t help myself, I need to feel at least a little bit challenged with my content creation and trying to help the algorithm see me isn’t a worthwhile one to pursue on the channel anymore for a multitude of reasons. So there is a block present being in this space of wanting to move forward but not being fully clear on how while still following my true north.
I’m notoriously known for dropping things out of sheer boredom so because this is my baby, in a way, I can’t just ignore it and expect it to feed itself when it’s only 3 years old. If you weren’t aware, that’s bad parenting. That’s way too typical of crap behavior Aries folks are known for when it comes to projects too, and I’ve been working to change my own behavior regarding this. I’m either all in or Idgaf; no middle there and that isn’t exactly realistic to life. Plus, there’s no challenge in giving up so here we go again (I am an Aries Sun, I own it, lol).
So, in the most extra way possible; I am going to try delivering my readings in a different way. Reimagining my content so it truly fits the mold of Tia and not the cookie-cutter mold being pushed on Youtubers “for growth”. This is NOT a swipe at anyone in particular but may be a little bit of one at the culture that has been created in pursuit of “visibility” and “channel growth”. This directly translates to YT burnout both for creators and subscribers of all genres and intellectual theft among those either desperate enough to steal so they can be seen or unethical enough to steal in order to gain off someone else’s work because they’re too lazy to do the work themselves. From a business standpoint and a technological one; I get why things are the way they are and why they were created that way on YT; it’s very bottom line focused, but realistically; It kind of makes you a slave to the algorithm if you follow standard advice and protocol on growing your channel.
I’m no one’s and nothing’s slave. Having my entire life revolve around YouTube instead of pursuing a healthier approach of having YouTube revolve around my life is more appropriate. It’s also not energetically sustainable to keep at it the way I have been if I want to better incorporate a balanced lifestyle. Period. Life happens beyond the world of YT and that has to be addressed first even if the algorithm spanks me for remembering I’m human with real-world shit to deal with and not a cyborg.
In addition to that; I actually feel like I am doing my subs a huge disservice by even buying into the binge culture and creating content with that goal in mind. I don’t want anyone to put things on hold, hanging on every word presented in a GENERAL tarot reading ( or any reading for that matter), or eating up time you should be investing in your own growth & goals by binging all my videos because you want to support me. This kind of goes against the way the platform is built. Not gonna lie; fully comprehending this about the YT platform genuinely makes me consider leaving it altogether and putting my content elsewhere. I swear I’m not trying to make this a bitch-fest about YouTube. But I’ve noticed some things I don’t like.
Don’t get me started about all the noise that notifications make. It reminds me of when I used to work at McDonalds in my early 20’s and how the first week all I dreamed about was the damn timers going off.
I turn notifications off for every app on my phone; they drive me nuts. Yet, I’m supposed to tell you to turn all of yours on?
I will suggest notifications for my channel because I’m a smaller YT creator and my uploads don’t always follow a schedule, but I also suggest to set your YT notifications for a “daily digest”, turn off the sound, and go live your life. The video will still be there! That’s certainly what I do for the creators I watch and support. Hopefully with this site, I’ll be able to update you a little easier so you wont need the notifications or the host of other social media sites to reach me, and maybe, eventually, you wont need to go to YT for my content at all and can find it all here. I am hoping my community, all of you, can help me reach that goal. You can find out more about that over on my Ko-fi or submit a donation at the bottom of my website on any page you land on.
Hey, it’s not easy for me to ask for help, especially financial help, but that’s one of the ways I personally need to grow the hell up, so I’m asking, humbly.
In all seriousness though, It actually makes me incredibly uncomfortable to think that people who come across my content could get sucked into this type of codependence because it’s fundamentally unhealthy. So, in reimagining my content, this is something that is at the front of my decisions moving forward which will likely mean less content & frequency overall on the channel but improved quality of what I do upload.
After so many of us have basically been stuck indoors glued to a screen for a whole year ( some are still in lockdown and “that thing that shall not be named” is triggering new lockdowns even as I write this); I can’t allow myself to perpetuate the very things I’d advise my subscribers against doing. I want you to get outside, put your hands in some dirt, sit in the park and listen to the birds sing, go sit at the ocean or at your favorite spot in the forest. Be human.
I believe in leading by example so that means I gotta do that too. This is much more sustainable long term; promise.
Starting my channel wasn’t about necessarily being on the world stage and being an influencer or popular, even though this could happen, I don’t care about that, never have. I actually find it a little terrifying to be honest. It was to help other people see the light when their life feels it’s in a hole; in that sense, I am a wayshower. I’ve been in that hole and lived to tell the tale of everything it took to crawl out of it, choosing to let it make me better, not bitter, and renew my passion for life; many don’t make that choice or have that privilege, too many. They get in that metaphorical hole and suddenly we’re putting them in a literal one, and asking ourselves what the hell happened and why didn’t we see the signs something was wrong.
When’s the last time you asked someone if they were OK and meant it beyond a politically correct platitude? Better question; when’s the last time you gave a genuinely honest answer to that question when asked? Honesty in this dialogue eliminates the platitudes in modern day communications between people. That’s what I want to help get rid of. Don’t give me the judgey side-eye for calling out something that WE ALL DO. I do include myself in that “we”.
Few address these energies in regards to spirituality and it needs to be more present in our conversations around spiritual growth, otherwise the many in the spiritual community are just full of shit and looking for a come-up; sorry not sorry, that’s my opinion. I know it’s a harsh one but telling someone “love & light” & ” think positively” is counterproductive to helping them get out of that darker energy; I know from personal experience. I also know from personal experience that it does exists so seeing people ignore it is that much more insulting. I needed peace, more than anything and practical advice & guidance on how to change my situation and It got to a point in seeking that guidance that I wanted to punch someone every time they said that shit to me; and that was before I started to actually “work” in the metaphysical and spiritual world; now it just makes me roll my eyes and I keep it pushin’. To each their own dude.
I will always wish you peace. The energies of love, starseed activation, light, positive thinking, manifestation, holding space… all of that happens as a natural result of pursuing peace in your life and removing the things that disturb it. Love alone will turn the most balanced character into a crazy person so I would go so far to say that peace is a much higher vibration than love is, but that’s a discussion for another time. I already know that discussion will get under some peoples skin. Point is, there’s little peace or love in darkness but there can be the illusion of a lit exit sign to something better when you are in the darkness. Everyone knows that your eyes play tricks on you in the dark.
Marinate on that for a bit; you’ll understand my irritation with the spiritual community in general, not tackling this head on. It is a bonafide issue, even more so now with the pandemic and so many losing so damn much.
The ” agents” are not always who you think they are, they come in pretty packages, cheerful dispositions, and will help you walk the path to your own demise disguised as signs, synchronicities, & channeled advice if you’re not privy to the differences in energy signature. I personally find it worse to have smoke blown up my ass that everything is fine in a reading than for a reader to tell me I’m screwing up, or that there’s a “snake” in my midst. Not every message that comes through will be positive, that’s not the way energy works and I take issue with people that project false light to those who are already vulnerable and there are a lot of vulnerable people seeking guidance on YT.
Which brings me to this point as well. Other content creators, especially larger ones, can copy my content but they don’t and haven’t lived my life so that mimicry will expose them; I wont need to. (Keep embarrassing yourself ma’am, I’m Gucci, you have a blessed day now.)
I’ve been freelancing in marketing for several years now, I know how to get exposure, ethically, even in this climate of fruit fly attention spans and oversaturation. But it’s not what drives me to do this and success for me isn’t defined by how many awards or followers I get; it’s truly defined by how many people I helped by sharing my experiences. If I inspired you to take a leap where before you have hesitated, If some topic I discuss helps you get on path, or helps you take that first step to crawling out of the hole instead of continuing to dig deeper; that makes this venture called Paiges of Ascension a success, that’s a legacy I can get behind and that lives beyond me and my family name. Ask anyone who knows me in real life and they’ll even tell you that the bank is empty on the amount of fucks I give about popularity. I intentionally avoid making myself the center of attention; I don’t like it. My mouth often negates that effort though. They’ll tell you that too, lol.
Regardless, It’s not easy to put yourself out there, even though many will pass judgement on your perceived progress like it is (I’ll let the meme explain what those people can go do). —————————->
You can fall in popularity as quickly as you rise, sometimes quicker; popularity it’s not a stable metric to measure your success on. Your success on anything you invest yourself in hinges a lot more on why you are doing it in the first place. Will you still be satisfied with your actions when there is no one to observe you doing them? I will. I know where my heart AND my ego is at in pursuing this.
Even though my primary goal is the same as it was when I started Paiges of Ascension; I have evolved, which at the end of the day means the channel has to evolve too.
Of course, I plan on talking about this more on my upcoming live but I also know how that can go when in the thick of it, having done one once before; nerves and all. Most likely, that live will be in the same format that they always have been since it’s live content. For pre-recorded content though….. the game has changed for me and my everlasting geekdom is without a doubt, going to bleed through. I hope y’all enjoy the switch up though. I know I’m going to have fun doing it.
Peace is Power, thru and thru.
Till next time
I find myself at a strange impasse. I can distinctly feel my energy shifting and the pull to do more, move more; ” get er done!” energy is powerfully present. In the same energy though, there is also a pull to rest, do nothing, think about anything and everything, but do nothing; just rest.
These energies are polarities of each other, and they both can’t exist in the same space. One cannot simply physically do something and do nothing at the same time. So there-in lies a choice.
I made this decision to purge. I want to bring in some fresh energy, and this is the most efficient way to do that.
I realized, once again, that; this physical purge of items, objects, ties to people, places, emotions, and timelines is just as much of an emotional purge process as it is a physical one; after all, some of these things are tied to people that I no longer deal with for one reason or another. Of course; In the most dualistic manner possible, there is this innate desire to learn something new, to research, study, to plan and organize for other things in my life and it has become distinctly clear to me as the universe has been guiding me out of this cave, that; this physical release is much more deeply tied to an emotional release I didn’t realize I also needed to do, and I can’t skip the step of releasing the old before jumping into something new.
2020 was a year of thought for me; almost all thought, no action or very little. I started doing the Zodiac Season Guide, and I was able to start the Dark Night readings on the channel, but those had been in the works for a while. Outside of this though; I was in thought the whole time. It was a very, very mental year for me. This was necessary in a way though, it’s what I needed after decades of decisions based on impulse and adrenaline to avoid another “crisis”. I can’t ignore this anymore though, this…”stuff”; it has to be dealt with.
I’m just not sure exactly why the resistance is so strong; it puzzles me. I know I’ll feel better once it’s gone. I know it will free up not just physical space, but also energetic space; yet it’s hard to get going and the self-imposed deadline is in 13 days to get a section of this deep cleaning done so I can tackle the last part before my solar return gets here. It isn’t impossible; I know it can be done; I’ve done it once before. It felt easier then, but maybe my hindsight is skewed based on current day circumstances.
Either way, I have to bust through this strange restless and suspended animation state. Major life changes are on the other side of the door of the equinox and I want them more than I want anything I may think I’m attached to. Physically or emotionally. It’s very Queen of Swords; ” it needs to go, so it has to go; now”. She is the one archetype that I only seem to step into by force, usually by an outside force. This time, it’s different since I’m choosing her energy to guide me through this purge. I need to be as ruthless as she is about cutting the dead weight.
This is as good a time as any for a brief discussion on some aspects of the Queen of Swords. Now, I have to preface with saying that every person’s lens of the tarot is different. I may see her energy in ways that you have never heard of before or have even connected to, doesn’t make me right or wrong or you right or wrong. Personally, I don’t feel there is a set way to interpret the cards so take what I say with seeds of curiosity and plant what resonates in your own garden of knowledge.
“When you approach the cards with the mind of a student, the tarot will always have something to teach you, about yourself and the world around you.”Paiges of Ascension
There has always been an aura of rigidity to me with the Queen of Swords, a stickler for details, calculating precise and blunt with communication; kind of like how nuns are portrayed in movies that revolve around a catholic school. She is sister Mary what’s-her-face and you will call her Sister Mary what’s-her-face and do what she says in the way she said to get the job done.
“Don’t dally now, it’s not proper to put off for tomorrow what you can do today” says Sister Mary what’s-her-face; all up your ass because she’s on misfit duty and you’re public enemy #1.
However, I can also see the energy of someone in the Queen of Swords who has become that way though experience, sometimes forced experience because she understands the value in knowing that the devil is in the details, timing is everything, and the clarity of your speech and tone can make a point without having to recite a monologue.
She is the stillness in the air you feel right before you say something you’ve been holding back. She really is quite an eerie energy for me because you can see that she has been pushed based on her grip of that sword and ” bring it bitch” motion with her left hand When push comes to shove (pun absolutely intended); the sword is ready to strike and cut without a second thought.
In this strange and incredibly powerful way, her take no prisoners, put up with no bullshit stance makes her the most emotionally resilient queen because when needed, she can most easily remove emotion from the equation to do what needs to be done, even if it’s hard, even if it’s painful. None of the other queens have that energy in them for me; most of them would shy away or even emotionally melt-down where the Q of S steps up to the plate.
The Queen of Wands, whom I adore and see a lot of her archetype in myself, is unfortunately, easily carried away with the emotion of passion, good (zealotry) or bad (rage with zeal). The Queen of Cups can take on an energy of being either too emotionally open (no boundaries), or too emotionally closed off (numb). Both the Q of W and the Q of C can be slaves to their emotions, particularly if they’re not careful. The Queen of Pentacles energy can easily be subjected to vanity or even self-imposed Martyrdom despite being the most mature queen of them all- ” I don’t have this, so now I am that, and must be saved from it all”. More on all of this another time.
The Queen of Swords is different, even though she is Water and Air; she can feel the anger, she can feel overwhelming emotion, and even feel persecuted, but her reaction is to arm herself with words and intellect, not emotional actions or reactions. In her highest and lowest forms, she has the ability to completely disable someone who is intentionally trying to come for her with less than a sentence. Every time. We can assess her vibe level based on the carnage in the statement’s aftermath. They either look like a suffocating fish or a stunned and suffocating fish afterwards but the facial expression will almost always be one of the wide-eyed surprise of a wake-up call.
She’s that person who gets hella quiet when the anger is REAL. The words will cut deep even if it’s a petty irritation; you’re looking at straight dismemberment if you wind up on that silent side of a Queen of Swords.
Now this is not to say that there are more negative sides or more positive attributes to the Q of S or any of the court cards; there are, they’re dualistic, just like human emotions are. The Q of S in her shadow is probably one of the worst in my opinion because words do hurt and hers can hurt a lot more than most; we need to stop feeding that crap to kids that words and language don’t make a difference; they clearly do. As if we haven’t seen many take a tumble from grace in the last 5 years based on something they’ve said, but again, that’s another post for another time.
Part of channeling this energy of the Queen of Swords for me is to get comfortable moving in and out of her energy by choice versus by force. I pose this question to you metaphysical misfits.
What court card energy do you have to be pushed to utilize? Why is this the case?
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Contrary to popular belief of those who have known me a decade or more; I am actually pretty temperate with my mood, and this has become even more pronounced with age. It’s pretty hard to truly piss me off, doesn’t mean you’re clear of a temper tantrum though. I just don’t care what people try to do to me or those who compete with me; i mean, if that’s how you really want to spend your time, more power to ya. For most of my life, there’s always been one snake in the grass pretending to be my “friend” or some person who feels entitled enough to knock me off some pedestal THEY put me on. Like, dude, I don’t care; that’s a perception issue on your end; I’m just doing me in the most ethical way I can though this life, I don’t want the pedestal, you can keep it #realtalk .
But…. there often seems to be that one person who sees this as a challenge and asks someone in the sea of haters to hold their beer.
It’s hard for me to be merciless, but I can and will go there if that idiot comes for me just usually only if pushed; so, there are many people, soo many people who have gotten away with doing a lot of really toxic stuff, that I’ve never been merciless with because they didn’t necessarily “push” me to do anything except say ” good luck with that karmic ass whooping you just earned 🙂 “. Ironically enough though, part of my path in mastering this little thang we call Ascension means that I have to be willing to step into Q of S energy to cut things off and out BEFORE I get pushed, also known as standing up for yourself * smh*, seems like a common sense concept, really. This can be hard to implement though if you naturally have a peace keeping nature though. Conflict avoidance isn’t healthy when it comes to standing up for yourself. Sometimes we are the ones responsible for delivering people their karma and this can happen in the manner of standing your ground and drawing that pretty line with bling accents in the sand.
So, to bring it back home to the whole point of this post; I’ve identified (ok, re-identified) some background noise in my life that happens to be manifesting through epic amounts of useless shit. Noise disturbs your peace; the Queen of Swords archetype quickly cuts out the things that disturb her peace before they have the opportunity to disturb her peace. It’s how she can always be ” on guard” for changes in the surrounding energy, she knows her own resting state so it’s hard to creep up on her.
Clutter, whether physical or emotional, is not something that happens overnight. It’s the equivalent to all those people and events leaving a little piece of their toxic energy behind because you didn’t clean up after they left your life, and now there’s a lot more to do to get rid of it all. Again, not impossible; but inner fortitude is necessary for success.
Going through this restlessness this past week has helped me to identify noise I have been allowing to play on repeat in the background that has got to exit stage left. So, when faced with the choice for things to stay as they are or move with the river; I’m grabbing my floatie.
Happy Spring Cleaning Misfits