November 1, 2019, was one of the scariest days of my life thus far. So much was already going on in the world, and early that morning, I was going under the knife for the first time to remove a 4cm nodule from my thyroid.
Many thoughts were going through my head that morning. Will another nodule take the rest of my thyroid? Will my voice change? Will I still be able to sing? Will I even still have a voice? Has then been the root of my ills this entire time? Why did it take so damn long to find it? Did I do this to myself?
It was like a loop. What I realized even at that time is that this process, while on the surface comes across as a common medical issue, was actually rooted much deeper in a pattern I had been participating in my entire life. It represented all the things I never said. Every time I never spoke up for myself, the feeling that my needs weren’t enough to voice, every time I spoke in anger that may not have been warranted, and even the language I used to communicate when I bothered to do so.
I spent most of that November in silence as I let my body do the healing it was naturally inclined to do, but it wasn’t easy. I bring up my story because it’s poignant for the energy we are dealing with this month. The discourse has been disturbing for some time, but it seems like it’s gotten infinitely worse. I’m not even sure where that tipping point was.
I have a very personal relationship with Mars and the archetype of Gemini… Mars is debilitated in my chart, and during my dark night, it was pointed directly at these themes. Mars’s energy was in full shadow, chaotic, and in many ways turned inward before that energy manifested outwardly. I believe I have some astro credentials natally to know the shadow side of the energy we are dealing with very well, and this Mars retrograde in Gemini is no joke. If you are going to speak at this time, do so while grounded, centered, and with consciousness; it may alter your path. I can promise you; you’ll thank yourself later. This said, in true Gemini fashion, the opposite is also true, your path may be altered, and you’ll regret the words you spoke later.
Not only do we allow healing by allowing ourselves to gather our thoughts before they are expressed, but a closed mouth is primed to hear the divine. Each opportunity we have to show up as our best selves in discourse is like a little power-up for high vibrational energy.
Despite the Hollywood portrayals of what communication with the divine looks like, in my experience, the divine speaks in synchronicities, visions, plainly in riddles, and does so, so quietly that it’s easy to miss if your mouth is moving.
Many insights came to me in November 2019:
I learned just how powerful my intuitive abilities are and have never questioned them since. A type of unshakeable faith of my personal power that was a game changer for pulling me the rest of the way out of the dark night.
I realized that the plans I had for my YT channel weren’t what the divine had planned. If I’m keeping it all the way real; still waiting for specific instructions on that one, haven’t been directed to shut it down.
I realized that soon, I would need to remove myself from several environments because they were stunting my spiritual growth, along with my economic growth.
I remember experiencing the deepest gratitude thinking about my family, how much they mean to me, and how I am so fortunate to have such a strong support system.
I realized that so many of the people I had been calling friends going back years were, in fact, not. Only recently have I had to do a deep look at the definition of friendship and figure out what my definition is.
Most of all, I realized that ignoring my health in the pursuit of getting above poverty was never going to get me out of poverty but would keep me rooted there. Mindblown, dude.
I realized I drank some bad mystery flavored kool-aid labeled the “definition of success,” and it was literally making me sick. What body part would I lose next to the out-of-control debilitated mars energy for chasing? Not even chasing the wrong things, chasing, period. Chasing depletes your energy. The point was to move with intention and without attachment.
Because of all of this, November 1st has left an indelible mark on my consciousness and is a reminder every year of how close I came to not being here. If you’re not aware, a 4 cm nodule is pretty large, and mine was so bad that it was affecting my ability to swallow water, and eat, and I was merely cells away from forming a relationship with an oncologist.
Had I waited any longer, it probably would have enveloped both sides of my thyroid and certainly would have grown big enough to block my ability to nourish myself and breathe the way things were progressing. It shakes me a little to think of the path that could have played out; a few months later, the world entered the COVID-19 pandemic, and it entered my state first. I’m alive and relatively healthy because I spoke up, grounded, centered, and conscious; I hadn’t done that before.
Importantly, for the first time, I was heard.
For those of you that have been following me for a while, Last year around this time, I received a download about a creepy fun-house type of energy. That energy is upon us with this retrograde…doesn’t feel so undercurrent-y anymore.
I hope this makes sense to you. In all fairness, this post may require more than one read for the knowledge to sink in. I will give you some key phrases to meditate on this month, though.
Your peace is your power.